March 03, 2016
DARK MATCH / Pre Show Andre Battle Royal
30 man battle royal.. No one cares. The whole match takes about 12 seconds from bell to last guy thrown out. Who wins? uh, I dunno, how about Kevin Nash. Who cares.
Show opens with the Fink in the ring. He introduces tonight's hosts for the show: Tony Schivone and Paul Hayman. They are backstage at a big card table with The APA, the Million Dollar Man and Akeem. The MDM has a case full of money on the table. With his trademark laugh he closes the case and says "So we have a deal, get em boys". The APA and Akeem get up and leave. Paul picks up his giant cell phone and says "Hi Vince, we had a change of plans". Skivone kicks back and twirls his newly grown back mustache.
Back to the ring. Fink introduces the singer of america the beautiful. It is Huey Lewis. Everyone boos.
After the song we are treated to a video package of giant hulking pro wrestlers reading to kids. The kids are clearly terrified and not listening at all. A very visible puddle of piss surrounds them as they sit on the floor and try to not quake with fear. Roman Reigns says some shit about how it is important to read. Secretly he is thinking of the only thing he has ever read in his life. A copy of Cock Fights magazine he stole from Rakishi.
Back to the ring.
Cole, JBL and the other guy are saying stupid shit. In the ring the fink is announcing the next match. Suddenly the audience goes wild. Out of the audience the APA start attacking Cole, JBL and the other guy. Akeem is standing there waving his arms like an idiot. The APA totally kick ass and stretchers are brought out. The white APA guy gets on the PA and tells the crowd that there has been a change of plans. Tonight's commentary team will be... Suddenly the Million Dollar Man's laugh rings out thru the arena. He walks sown the isle and kicks a basketball out of a kids hand. Once down to the table his music fades out. Suddenly we here "OH MY GOD". It's Joey Styles. He walks out like a nerd and walks to the table. These two guys do commentary for the night and the people at home actually manage to not puke on the floor every ten seconds.
JTGenius (JTG and The Genius) VS The Pain Busters (Arn and Taz)
No one knows who Arn Anderson is so he loses to some racist move that JTG does involving stealing stuff. Rap music hits and The Genius is forced to dance for no reason. Taz suplexes himself so hard he flies to space.
Brey Wyatt VS Jake the Snake
Lights dim. Jake comes out with Damian. Cuts a promo. It is killer. Lights dim even more. Brey comes out and cuts a promo. By the end of his promo it is so dark no one can see anything and I have no idea who won this match. I couldn't see shit.
Goldberg VS Ryback
We are treated to a montage of these two guys. They were best friends. Rollerblading and cooking dinner together. Then one day Goldberg's wife accidentally had sex with Ryback. She honestly thought it was Goldberg because they are exactly alike. This ticked off Goldberg and he punched out a window of a limo severing his arm. This was 4 years ago. Recently Goldberg finally finished arm rehab. He is ready to fight. Once the two get to the ring the guys dont even wait for the bell. The run toward each other and collide. A black hole rips thru space time whatever and the two disappear. Ryback was Goldberg. Goldberg is Ryback. The ying and the yang. They are and is one. Who knew?!
Paul Heyman and Skivone and still at the table. They are playing poker instead of watching the show for no reason. Teddy Long walks in. He says he has an idea for a match. You take two teams. They are on each side of the ring. One guy from each team is in the ring at a time. If they wanna trade out they gotta touch hands with someone from their team. Paul and Tony love it. It just so happens that they have room for another match. Teddy rounds up the janitorial crew and splits them into teams.....
Sabu, 911, Tommy Dreamer and Mikey Whipwreck vs Haku, Kwee Wee, Kona Crush and Henry O Godwin
Intergender match: The Kat and Ernest the Cat Miller VS Karma and Disco Inferno
The Kat was so hot man. She was a babe. Jesus dude. She was so fucking hot. Of course The Kat and The Cat win this . No contest. The Cat pins Disco in the center of the ring. Clean. Karma gets so mad she rips Disco's head and spine off his body. The audience goes silent. Not because they just witnessed someone lose their life. But because the never thought their dream would come true right before their very eyes.
1 hour Iron Man match: Nakamura VS Stone Cold's mystery opponent
Video package: Stone Cold has been poking around the WWE again lately. Just sayin hi to old pals. He recently met Nakamura for the first time and thinks the kid has potential. He reminds Stone Cold of a young Akeem. Nakamura thinks Stone Cold is a old dork and slaps the sip of coffee for the workin man out of Stone Cold's mouth. Because Steve can't hardly walk anymore he tells "Shin-shook-ay" that he will have a mystery partner for him at Mania. And we will see how bad ass "Shin-shook-ay" really is because this will be a motherfuckin IRON MAN MATCH.
Back to Mania. Nakamura moonwalks to the ring because he is cool . Stone cold comes out and pours beer on his face and shirt. He wheezes into the rmic a bunch of cuss words really loud. Suddenly music hits Pshhh-pshhhhh LOOK IN MY EYESSSS! WHAT DO YOU SEEEE!!!!?? A CULT OF PERSONALITYYYY!!! It's C.M. Punk. The whole world collectively release a bronx cheer and shits themselves with delight. The two of these dudes proceed to put on the most motherfucking killer match ever. I'm not even picking a winner. You decide.
Divas match: Bella twin vs Bella twin
The Bellas were really close and became even closer with Daniel suddenly retiring and also the neck surgery. But when th e tensiol; ;;''zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
oh shit. ok. uh, Akeem runs in and smashes Bri Bella with a african garbage can on fire. the end.
Backstage Tony and Paul are talking over the poker game. Mania is going very will they say. Only one match left. Paul invites Tony to play some Bingo. Tony says he still has a limo from the Nitro days that TBS is paying for. The two of them hop in the back "Driver, take us to Philly!!"
The Rock and Roman Reigns VS HHH and Shaemus
No one wants this at all. But I do and I am making this up so i can do whatever I want. So I'm going to say that HHH wins but Roman beats up him and Shaemus anyway. The Rock and Roman hug in the ring while everyone goes home deflated. In the parking lot Akeem waves his arms like an idiot while black tribe girls dance and Slick yells a bunch of shit.
Posted by Rusty Nickles at 10:45 pm