May 28, 2018

Raw Roster Broken Down With Quips and Thoughts. Or "Avoiding the Top Knot and White Wail"

Ring nameReal nameNotes
Akam[3]Sunny Dhinsa[4]Like a real author...he is nowhere to be seen. He's the big one right?
Apollo Crews[5]Sesugh Uhaa[6]He smiles, is best friends with Tozawa, and does a mean backflip. 
Baron Corbin[7]Thomas Pestock[8]Sucks
Big Show[9]Paul Wight II[10]Inactive; hip injury; Was kinda fun on Austin's podcast last week. Signed for another 3 years. Has abs.
Bo Dallas[11]Taylor Rotunda[12]This B Team is Social Rejects lite. I'm really beginning to not Bo-Lieve
Bobby Lashley[13]Franklin LashleyMade that Sami Zayn segment worse. Too bad because he was getting kinda interesting toward the end of his Impact run
Bobby Roode[14]Robert Roode Jr.[15]Why is he a babyface? He still acts like a heel. It's weird.
Braun Strowman[16]Adam Scherr[17]My prediction...they wait too long and he turns into Ryback.
Bray Wyatt[18]Windham Rotunda[19]WWE Raw Tag Team Champion; He's finally a babyface! Well, at least for awhile. I hope we get some more Deletion.
Brock Lesnar[20]Brock Lesnar[21]WWE Universal Champion; Too bad he's gonna beat Punk's record. I might be the only person still pumped to watch Brock matches. might be bad, but that is true of everyone. I still say the Brock/Goldberg feud was my favorite main roster feud of last year. 
Chad Gable[22]Charles Betts[23]I'm Ready, Willing, And Gable for him to bring that back. This band is doing an instrumental version of Rocky Mountain Way and I hate it.
Curt Hawkins[24]Brian Myers[25]Is he out Horowitzing Barry? Always entertaining. 
Curtis Axel[26]Joseph Hennig[27]He'll never not have a job. I'm glad Harry Smith left so he didn't become this.
Dash Wilder[28]Daniel Wheeler[29]He's the other one right? 
Dean Ambrose[30]Jonathan Good[31]Inactive; triceps injury; Heard he got a haircut. He and Renee have a cute dog right?
Dolph Ziggler[32]Nicholas Nemeth[33]Huh, put him with Frax's buddy and he might get over again.
Drew McIntyre[34]Andrew Galloway IV[35]Speak of the devil. He's like Samoa Joe level fire right now. Hope they run with it.
Elias[36]Jeffrey SciulloProblem is gonna be that he wrestles like a generic WWE product.
Fandango[37]Curtis Hussey[38]Been getting some good spots lately. I'm glad he got to the loveable always featured jobber spot.
Finn Bálor[39]Fergal Devitt[40]I don't want to see the Demon for awhile. Seems like he's getting over without it. It will be awesome when he brings it out foe a big Mania match. 
Goldust[41]Dustin Runnels[42]Wish he was more than a stuttering movie obsessive...but still killing it.
Heath Slater[43]Heath Miller[44]Co-host of WWE Game Night; I heard a rumor that he has kids.
Jason Jordan[45]Nathan Everhart[46]Inactive, neck injury; I wonder how they came up with the name Jason Jordan. Nathan Everhart? Top knot just commented that I've been on my phone.
Jinder Mahal[47]Yuvraj Dhesi[48]Ha. People will cheer him over Roman.
Kane[49]Glenn Jacobs[50]Inactive; on hiatus to run for Mayor of Knox County, Tennessee; What's next? A conspiracy tv show or a cameo in the new Predator
Kevin Owens[51][52]Kevin SteenCan't think of anyrhing to say. He's great.
Konnor[53]Ryan Parmeter[54]He's no Viktor
Matt Hardy[55]Matthew HardyWWE Raw Tag Team Champion, Only Matt Hardy and David Lynch can get a lawnmower over in their brilliant cinema.
Mike Kanellis[56]Michael Bennett[57]Remember that drug problem he had? Or having the least beloved new born of WWE wrestlers. Hope it didn't ruin Maria's ass.
Mojo Rawley[58]Dean Muhtadi[59]So not hype.
No Way Jose[60]Levis Valenzuela Jr.[61]It's like he was specifically created because Vince loved Rosebuds, but Adam Rose sucked.
Rezar[62]Gzim Selmani[4]Isn't Gzim a British Hardcore band? He's the big one right?
Rhyno[63]Terrance Gerin[64]I like that he likes crackers
Roman Reigns[65]Leati Anoa'i[66]Would you let him go down on you if he told you he loved you?
Sami Zayn[67][68]Rami SebeiI like that itssomehow cannon that evil Sami Zayn makes fun of trans people. 
Scott Dawson[69]David Harwood[70]He's the one with the good facial hair.
Seth Rollins[71]Colby Lopez[72]WWE Intercontinental Champion; Has had a really good past couple months. I'm sure his dog couldn't be prouder. 
Titus O'Neil[73]Thaddeus Bullard Sr.[74]I heard he's gonna be in a Marvel movie. 
Tyler Breeze[75]Mattias Clement[76]It's cool that he just appeared at a NXT show. I miss his whole theme song.
Viktor[77]Eric Thompson[78]The greatest.
Zack Ryder[79]Matthew Cardona[80]
The last box doesnt exist, but
The band literally just stopped
And top knot gave me shit about
Writing this. Fuck him.