NXT Takeover: Dallas Preview

This is weird. It copied the whole thing and now I kinda like it. I'm recovering from the whirlwind that was Iggy Pop. It was sooooo good, and I love him and it was great to ramble wrestling with Mr. Nickles. We watched a really great Skivone/Vader interview. It was adorable. That brings us to.... Austin Aries vs. Baron Corbin	Woah. Let's see how fucked up I can make this since it copied the whole Wiki page and not just the print. Not sure if there has been anymore appearances by The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived to build this, but the debut and subsequent attack was pretty awesome. My roommate will say "End Of Days" probably a hundred times, and I'll giggle.
2	The Revival (Scott Dawson and Dash Wilder) (c) vs.American Alpha(Jason Jordan andChad Gable)	Tag team match for the NXT Tag Team Championship So I apparently must not be the audience for any of these guys. Kinda odd because I was a big World's Greatest Tag Team mark. I just look at basically all four of these guys and say "Jack Swagger has more charisma." Maybe this is just a "we're spoiled by ROH'S tag team division" opinion.
3	Apollo Crews vs. Elias Samson	I telling Rusty that the Internet seems to be coming around on The Drifter, and I oddly agreed after last week's NXT. Crews hasn't seemed to have shown to be as good of a white meat babyface as one might think, and the evil, homeless, slow, brooding version of Jeff Jarrett will probably get a big win here.
4	Sami Zayn vs.Shinsuke Nakamura	In all honesty....I wish the main events were switched. Joe vs Nakamura is probably coming down the line and sounds like (to put it crassly) a cream dream. Still....Zayn's main roster send off will be the match we're all looking forward to
5	Bayley (c) vs. Asuka	Singles match for the NXT Women's Championship Could this end in some sort of schmoz?  It's not time for any type of turn for either of these ladies. Maybe this will be the big clean win that absolutely cements Bayley as everyone's favorite....even though Asuka is actually our favorite....because she's the Bjork of wrestling. An incredibly beautiful performer that I can't really sexualize in my head. She intimidates me....over the tv....lots....
6	Finn Bálor (c) vs.Samoa Joe	Singles match for the NXT Championship This is a really long feud and I'm okay with that. I still don't think they've had the match they could have. Hopefully we get it here, and I wouldn't mind run ins. Run ins don't necessarily mean that a match is bad (ie Kane debut). "The Demon" did some photoshoot that I saw and he looked stupid. Rastafari painted dude isn't as cool as leather jacketed ab-tastic dude. Abs are cool.

Well.....I'm watching one of Kobe's last televised basketball games. I'm exhausted from sleeping on an air matress in a 90 degree room. Anybody watch Aztec Warfare? Not the best match....but cool storyline stuff. My friend Danny gushed over Jeff Cobb from Sacramento (Google it after you watch Lucha)....and told me the origin of Timothy Thatcher's British gimmick. I haven't seen any of the Road To Invasion Attack. There looks like some good singles matches on each show, but I don't see myself logically catching up this weekend. Maybe?  Stranger things have happened. Anyway.....I'll be back soon with my preview of the 7 hour? Spectacular later this week.

Top Ten Things I'm Excited about this WWEek

Yo Dudes,

Between the NXT Special on Friday, Hall of Fame ceremony on Saturday, Wrestlemania Sunday, and Raw on Monday, we’re looking at a butt-load of WWE to watch this weekend.  Unfortunately, I’ll be watching it alone again, as Alice will be leaving town for a week early Monday and I’ll be sticking around here to hang out with her before she goes.  Also, I’m working on Sunday.  Maybe I’ll wear my Mark Henry shirt to work.

Despite the heinous amount of top guys and personal favorites on the bench this year, there’s a lot to look forward to.  Here’s my Fave 10.

10. The Triple-H vs. Roman Reigns Finish

So, I’m not looking forward to this match, and I haven’t enjoyed a minute of the build-up, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested in how this match would end.  Statistics would probably dictate that Roman goes over clean as the babyface, which wouldn’t bother as much as last year because I’ve been beaten down by the idea of it happening for so long, and besides that I’m really into the undercard, and don’t care as much about the World Title.

9. Stan Hansen’s Hall of Fame Acceptance Speech

One of my all-time faves, Stan Hansen is a class dude, and comes off like a total teddy bear in interviews, despite being such a notorious beast in the ring.  I will have goosebumps for as long as he’s on, and then again when they cart out the inductees during Mania.

8. The New Day’s Entrance

Will they come out riding unicorns on a rainbow ramp?  Who knows.  But they are super over and they’ve been getting lots of TV time, so they’ll do something special and of course it will be amazing.

7. ARMBAR Spots

ARMBAR is an abbreviation invented by the internet to concisely reference the AndRe the giant Memorial Battle Royal.  It’s going to be kind of stupid, but it will be great in spite of (or because of) that.  Somebody at some point will do something fancy, somebody else will do something funny, and we’ll all think it’s the best thing ever until we forget about it five minutes later.

6. The Taker/Shane Spectacle

Can I call this a match?  There will surely be match-like elements, but I’m expecting more of a Cirque du Soleil of wrestling mark-out cliches. 

5. Owens and Zayn in the IC Ladder Match

There will be a lot of other guys involved, but the focus of most of the storytelling is the storied history between Owens and Zayn.  I love that they’re in a ladder match (probably their specialty gimmick match) together at Wrestlemania.  I even love that their feud will be diluted by having the other competitors involved, because it means they can continue to draw out their rivalry, and we can look forward to many more weeks of building tension between them.

4. Balor Club Debut

This is just speculation, but it’s being teased with ever-decreasing subtlety.  Will Anderson and Gallows interfere with Balor’s title match against Samoa Joe?  Will the three of them crash Raw on Monday?  Will Anderson and Gallows have new names?  Will they have a theme song by Rocky Romero?  So many questions, but one thing’s for sure: people are gonna mark the shit out wherever, whenever they show up.

My top three speak for themselves.  They’ll be emotionally engaging, technically brilliant, and with the extra pizzazz of the Mania weekend, unforgettable. These will be amazing matches.

3. Bayley vs. Asuka

2. AJ Styles makes Wrestlemania debut vs. Christ Jericho

1. Shinsuke Nakamura makes WWE debut vs. Sami Zayn

 Hope you dudes have as much fun watching as I will.  Even though we won't be watching together in person, you will be with me in spirit.  Looking forward to hearing your pre- and post-Mania thoughts.

Abbreviated MMS

I just recorded a 20 minute episode, but the only thing I really had to say was that Kevin Owens vs AJ Styles on Smackdown was the best WWE match I've seen in a long time, but even better was Kevin Owens vs AJ Styles on Raw.  They both killed it with that match (torture rack, what??), and then with their respective feud-building appearances at later points in the program.  They made everything they were involved with awesome.

Also, TERRY FUUUUUUNK!!!! And Stan Hansen!!

5xFAVEx5

Dear Fellas,

It's no secret that The Marshall likes to try to turn his Opinions into Statistics, and with the following list of lists, dear readers, you will find his latest batch of self-actualizing ego propaganda.  What a D-Bag.  And to talk about Himself in 3rd-person narrative?  So obnoxious.   And to capitalize His own referential pronouns?  So lame.  Maybe The Marshall needs more things to do with His time.  But anyways, as He... I.. was saying... starting to say.. um... wrestling?  Pro-wrestling.  List of lists.  Maybe it's because I liked the last round of Top Lists so much that I wanted to relive the past.  Maybe it's because I miss Booker on commentary so much that I wanted to bring back the Fave 5 rating method.  Maybe it's because I can't shut the fuck up.  Whatever the case, I've been working on this idea for an entire almost-a-whole-week, so I... He... really hopes You appreciate it, and if You would like to also share your 5 Fave 5s, then We can take the Top 5 of the Top 5 Top 5s from across The Board, print Their Likenesses out with a 600 dpi printer onto premium matte photo paper, and then place those photos on a firm, flat surface, and then We could maybe organize a Viewing Session of these photos, maybe forming a circle around them... hey Fellas, The Marshall just wants to spend some QT with some likewise-thinking, discriminating, intelligent young wrestling fans like Himself.  Read below for further details.  Divisions are organized in order of depth-of-roster, as if there were another layer of Fave 5s based on how the Runner-Ups would place on their own scale, from top to bottom. 


ROHxFAVEx5
Runner Up: Delirious
5 Adam Cole
4 TIE Silas Young and Dalton Castle
3 Kyle O'Reilly
2 Roderick Strong
1 Jay Lethal

NJPWxFAVEx5
Runner Up: Jushin Liger
5 Hiroshi Tanahashi
4 Kushida
3 Tomohiro Ishii
2 Tetsuya Naito
1 Kazuchika Okada

LIMBOxFAVEx5
Runner Up: Karl Anderson
5 Cesaro
4 Matt Taven
3 Kota Ibushi
2 Seth Rollins
1 Shinsuke Nakamura

WWExFAVEx5
Runner Up: Bayley
5 Sasha Banks
4 Asuka
3 Sami Zayn
2 Kevin Owens
1 AJ Styles

INDYxFAVEx5
Runner Up:  TIE Chuck Taylor and Mike Bailey
5 Timothy Thatcher
4 Zack Sabre, Jr.
3 Orange Cassidy/Fire Ant
2 Ricochet/Prince Puma
1 Chris Hero


Of course, with the fields limited to 5 Faves in 5 categories, several of my favorites didn't place... and so it's tempting to do another set of lists, like a Tag Team/Faction list to include New Day, Young Bucks, and Golden Truth... I could also have done a 2nd Runner Up list to include some of my other Faves like Christopher Daniels, Kenny Omega, Stardust, Matt Classic, Chris Jericho, and Tama Tonga.  And for the record, I wasn't being facetious about how much I miss Booker T on commentary.  If he were still at The Table, he'd easily make a Fave 5 list (with respect to Excalibur, Corino, Striker, Quack, and Chikarason).

Unfortunately, Lucha Underground is barely represented, and TNA is not represented at all in any of the lists here. Quarter Marshall mentions this fact to humbly acknowledge His purposeful non-involvement, despite His fandom of Lucha Underground and (to be specific) of Madison Rayne.  Them other hot-again-cool-again basserds can tug their bottom-pants up toward a half-dozen auxiliary hooks mid-way outta reach, despite whomever they think they represent.  That's an easy quote by someone whom no-one would ever believe said that, anyway, and the even better news is that the factuality of the Idiom-Landing of 2015 will have to be fact-checked.

[EDIT] I have no idea what that means.  I wrote it really late last night, maybe a dozen drinks in, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't wearing pants.  This whole post is ridiculous, but I'm just gonna go ahead and hit the Publish button...

MMS: Chokeslamming the Chicken

WWE Roadblock preview?

Ummmmm. So there is this thing going on Saturday. It's mostly called New Japan Pro Wrestling's New Japan Cup Finals, but this Roadblock shit is going on. A ppv with so little build up that it sounds amazing. BTW....I'm currently drunk watching Agents Of Shield and it doesn't make sense because I'm hardly paying attention. Smackdown was really good (at least the first hour) and Lucha Underground was BRUTAL.
How can one beat the Wrestlemania Dreams? They can't.....but one can try to be a good storyteller. I was. At the bar; talking to my friend Patrick. He's been watching all the PPVS with Ryan and I for the last 6 months and meets me once a week to discuss strictly WWE garbage. About 50 pre-law students came into the bar for a "get together "/trivia party and I watched Patrick  do about 50/50  on the questions ad I giggled and talked about dumb shit. When Patrick abandoned me...I was soon joined by Ida. I'm guessing she's a 38 year old CNA mom that has chatted with me a few times and is obviously completely patient of my childlike drunk nature (she comes to the bar late....so I'm usually rambling about bullshit when miss comes around). Tonight ended with a mutual friend talking about MMA and I feel stupid because I can talk about what Dave Meltzer and Bryan Alvarez thought about stuff. I'm quite obviously a pathetic mark and oddly more knowledgeable about stuff that I don't care about than people who do care.
   As I text my bestie about Unknown Hinson in Coos Bay, I ramble on about the beauty that is Brock Lesnar and how he's scary legit and one of the greatest performers of our era, in any sport, or fake sport. I keep trying to get bigger and I just keep getting the same but "more fit." I'm confused.

The New Day vs Some concoction of The League Of Nations for the WWE Tag Team Championship
I'm guessing this will actually be rad because there are only four matches booked for this card. I'm so confused and excited at the same time. Get your fill of heel New Day...as apparently they have pitched the most epic Wrestlemania entrance ever (text me for spoilers?).

The Revival (Dash and Dawson) vs Enzo Emore and Colin Cassidy for the NXT Tag Team Championship
How you doing? I'm getting drunk and oddly hoping/dreading when the bartender flirts with me. Is this tip, rebound, "you're always here", or real based? Not quite sure, but here's hoping Enzo makes the main roster soon as I miss Road Dogg adjacent in my life every week.

Bray Wyatt vs Brock Lesnar
A feud based on weird promos that never paid off!  It would be epic if Bray cheated to win. Epic. He's a evil cult leadet. If he won clean, I'd be PISSED!

Triple H vs Dean Ambrose for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Hmmmm. So yeah.....this is happening instead of making epic beautiful Wrastlemanianess. Did you guys notice Triple H's obsession with Sympathy For The Devil and the interesting Motorhead cover on the last album?  Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of Ponchos and refined nerdy taste.

Best or worst preview ever? I'm gonna run 5 Miles tomorrow. Grand total will be 15 miles since Monday. Just noticed I typed 5 Niles (before I edited) and got super excited for Frasier hilarity. David Hyde Pierce seems like a good guy that would wanna hang out and talk the intricacies of Brock Lesnar, and not look at me like an idiot. He should start posting on SCW.

I'm done. I pray for no spelling errors. Is Naito gonna win the Cup? So early in the year? Naito vs Okada seems like the obvious main event for January.....based on the last few years and not wanting Naito to be New Japan's The Miz.  (A whole paragraph after I said I was done.....drunken tomfoolery).

Miss.

Roth style high kick.

I keep thinking about those "cattle blocks" on roads in the middle of nowhere where hoofs can't walk over weird metal rivet fence things or they'll get stuck. That's what Roadblock reminds me off. Is that weird?

MMS: Pizza

Mania Dreams is an impossible act to follow, but it helps when there's good wrestling to talk about!  In this episode, hear your host Quarter Marshall pontificate on everything that happened on Raw, from R-Truth to Goldust to Mark Henry, and beyond!  Kaboom!

I didn't mention it, but I also watched Impact.  It wasn't bad, but I didn't really have anything to say about it, anyway.  I am planning to watch tonight's episode though, especially to see Will Ospreay and Big Damo.  Also on the card are the Wolves vs. a reunited Beer Money (for the titles), and Kurt Angle's final TNA match (which is the cause of the buzz which is making me aware of TNA again).

Sorry about the background noise on this episode, it was windy and raining pretty hard on the coastal highway I drive to work on.  Go figure!  Sheesh!

Mania dreams

Folks, to me, the resident mark of SCW, mania is shaping up to be lame as hell so far. I'm texting Poncho about it as I type. I just don't care about a damn thing. Sure we got some awesome people on the roster. New Day and AJ and the Uso's (barf). But cool dudes don't make a good show. I want STORY! I like my stories! SO, just like with sex, I decided to take matters in my own hands and I booked the whole mania card myself. You want to sell out the whateveritiscalled dome? Just use what I booked. EZ.

DARK MATCH / Pre Show Andre Battle Royal
30 man battle royal.. No one cares. The whole match takes about 12 seconds from bell to last guy thrown out. Who wins? uh, I dunno, how about Kevin Nash. Who cares.

Show opens with the Fink in the ring. He introduces tonight's hosts for the show: Tony Schivone and Paul Hayman. They are backstage at a big card table with The APA, the Million Dollar Man and Akeem. The MDM has a case full of money on the table. With his trademark laugh he closes the case and says "So we have a deal, get em boys". The APA and Akeem get up and leave. Paul picks up his giant cell phone and says "Hi Vince, we had a change of plans". Skivone kicks back and twirls his newly grown back mustache.

Back to the ring. Fink introduces the singer of america the beautiful. It is Huey Lewis. Everyone boos.

After the song we are treated to a video package of giant hulking pro wrestlers reading to kids. The kids are clearly terrified and not listening at all. A very visible puddle of piss surrounds them as they sit on the floor and try to not quake with fear. Roman Reigns says some shit about how it is important to read. Secretly he is thinking of the only thing he has ever read in his life. A copy of Cock Fights magazine he stole from Rakishi.

Back to the ring.

Cole, JBL and the other guy are saying stupid shit. In the ring the fink is announcing the next match. Suddenly the audience goes wild. Out of the audience the APA start attacking Cole, JBL and the other guy. Akeem is standing there waving his arms like an idiot. The APA totally kick ass and stretchers are brought out. The white APA guy gets on the PA and tells the crowd that there has been a change of plans. Tonight's commentary team will be... Suddenly the Million Dollar Man's laugh rings out thru the arena. He walks sown the isle and kicks a basketball out of a kids hand. Once down to the table his music fades out. Suddenly we here "OH MY GOD". It's Joey Styles. He walks out like a nerd and walks to the table. These two guys do commentary for the night and the people at home actually manage to not puke on the floor every ten seconds.


Match #1
JTGenius (JTG and The Genius)  VS  The Pain Busters (Arn and Taz)
No one knows who Arn Anderson is so he loses to some racist move that JTG does involving stealing stuff. Rap music hits and The Genius is forced to dance for no reason. Taz suplexes himself so hard he flies to space.

Match #2
Brey Wyatt VS Jake the Snake
Lights dim. Jake comes out with Damian. Cuts a promo. It is killer. Lights dim even more. Brey comes out and cuts a promo. By the end of his promo it is so dark no one can see anything and I have no idea who won this match. I couldn't see shit.

Match #3
Goldberg VS Ryback
We are treated to a montage of these two guys. They were best friends. Rollerblading and cooking dinner together. Then one day Goldberg's wife accidentally had sex with Ryback. She honestly thought it was Goldberg because they are exactly alike. This ticked off Goldberg and he punched out a window of a limo severing his arm. This was 4 years ago. Recently Goldberg finally finished arm rehab. He is ready to fight. Once the two get to the ring the guys dont even wait for the bell. The run toward each other and collide. A black hole rips thru space time whatever and the two disappear. Ryback was Goldberg. Goldberg is Ryback. The ying and the yang. They are and is one. Who knew?!

Paul Heyman and Skivone and still at the table. They are playing poker instead of watching the show for no reason.  Teddy Long walks in. He says he has an idea for a match. You take two teams. They are on each side of the ring. One guy from each team is in the ring at a time. If they wanna trade out they gotta touch hands with someone from their team. Paul and Tony love it. It just so happens that they have room for another match. Teddy rounds up the janitorial crew and splits them into teams.....

Match #4
Sabu, 911, Tommy Dreamer and Mikey Whipwreck vs Haku, Kwee Wee, Kona Crush and Henry O Godwin
Haku wins

Match #5
Intergender match: The Kat and Ernest the Cat Miller VS Karma and Disco Inferno
The Kat was so hot man. She was a babe. Jesus dude. She was so fucking hot. Of course The Kat and The Cat win this . No contest. The Cat pins Disco in the center of the ring. Clean. Karma gets so mad she rips Disco's head and spine off his body. The audience goes silent. Not because they just witnessed someone lose their life. But because the never thought their dream would come true right before their very eyes.

Match #6
1 hour Iron Man match: Nakamura VS Stone Cold's mystery opponent
Video package: Stone Cold has been poking around the WWE again lately. Just sayin hi to old pals. He recently met Nakamura for the first time and thinks the kid has potential. He reminds Stone Cold of a young Akeem. Nakamura thinks Stone Cold is a old dork and slaps the sip of coffee for the workin man out of Stone Cold's mouth. Because Steve can't hardly walk anymore he tells "Shin-shook-ay" that he will have a mystery partner for him at Mania. And we will see how bad ass "Shin-shook-ay" really is because this will be a motherfuckin IRON MAN MATCH.
    Back to Mania. Nakamura moonwalks to the ring because he is cool . Stone cold comes out and pours beer on his face and shirt. He wheezes into the rmic a bunch of cuss words really loud. Suddenly music hits Pshhh-pshhhhh LOOK IN MY EYESSSS! WHAT DO YOU SEEEE!!!!?? A CULT OF PERSONALITYYYY!!! It's C.M. Punk. The whole world collectively release a bronx cheer and shits themselves with delight. The two of these dudes proceed to put on the most motherfucking killer match ever. I'm not even picking a winner. You decide.

Match #6
Divas match: Bella twin vs Bella twin
The Bellas were really close and became even closer with Daniel suddenly retiring and  also the neck surgery. But when th e tensiol; ;;''zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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oh shit. ok. uh, Akeem runs in and smashes Bri Bella with a african garbage can on fire. the end.

Backstage Tony and Paul are talking over the poker game. Mania is going very will they say. Only one match left. Paul invites Tony to play some Bingo. Tony says he still has a limo from the Nitro days that TBS is paying for. The two of them hop in the back "Driver, take us to Philly!!"

MAIN EVENT
The Rock and Roman Reigns VS HHH and Shaemus
No one wants this at all. But I do and I am making this up so i can do whatever I want. So I'm going to say that HHH wins but Roman beats up him and Shaemus anyway. The Rock and Roman hug in the ring while everyone goes home deflated.  In the parking lot Akeem waves his arms like an idiot while black tribe girls dance and Slick yells a bunch of shit.

THE END

When Sunday: A Wrestlemania Poem

When Sunday, Shane fights Undertake
what difference will on Monday make?

Myriad ramifications
(including decapitations)
cross my mind as I imagine
outcomes plausible to happen.

While TV shows of recent bearing
leave the Universe uncaring,
memories inversely lighten,
turning shadow into Titan.

The prodigal, thus reappeared,
claimed birthright and was roundly cheered,
but who among us could portend
what change a new regime would rend?

If Dead Man's Vince's fighting goon,
could we extrapolate that soon
the Chairman and the Phenom, paired,
are soon for retirement prepared?

The match result periphery
involving the Authority
is easier to understand,
as Steph and Trips may soon be canned.

Approacheth now this mise-en-scène:
the Daughter, Ghost, and two McMen.
Is this a cross-roads?  Possibly.
As usual, we wait and see.
 
Whatever outcome, bliss or hell,
we fans sit locked inside their cell.

MMS: It's a Leapday, yes it is!

In which I reference one of the following fashion choices: