March 21, 2012

Spare Change Newsletter: The Bravest Little Warrior

Greetings all sick boys and angel babies,

Let's have a chat about some wrestling. Let's discuss the week in the world of sports entertainment. Loosen your corsets and blow your noses, and gather on round.

Smackdown was again a letdown for fans of its usual program, which is known to feature great wrestling matches. Instead, it was more concerned with building for Wrestlemania, which works for Raw, but the blue show doesn't have Cena, Rock, HHH, HBK, Taker, Punk, and Jericho to cut promos all night. Well, this week it had Jericho, but you know what I mean. As a matter of fact, this week's Smackdown gave cause enough to send me back into the soundstudio to produce another installment for the HOTS house...

I thought about inducting Booker T's comment when he called Sheamus' forearm smashes "musical chairs", but I decided that I actually liked that, and plan to refer to that move as Musical Chairs from now on. Officially, I would like to induct the entire Kane-Orton segment from Friday, March 16, 2012 into HOTS, but I didn't want to replay it from start to finish (for obvious reasons). And that bit about "the great state of Kansas" on the end there was from TNA, so let me just...

...switch colors. That's better. TNA sucked incredible ass again this week, and I'm not going to watch Impact anymore. I'll probably still get it online, and skip through it for the things I do like, but there's no way I'm going to sit through it as though it's some kind of TV show that I want to see. Same goes for their PPVs. Victory Road this Sunday was boring and stupid and bitterly disappointing. Why am I disappointed? I shouldn't care that much by now, but I guess I did but now I don't. Fuck it. Say goodbye to the light blue text for a while. (I'll probably still write/talk about it, who am I kidding.)

I was afraid I wouldn't be using this forest green text anymore after a rumor spread online this week that WWE was going to shut down FCW, in order to move the entire developmental system to Connecticut. The rumor was shot down by WWE, but they did say that there would be an announcement about developmental after Mania. Whatever happens I hope that 1) the wrestlers don't have to move to frigging Connecticut and 2) that I can still watch them on TV. This week's program featured Kassius Ohno's great in-ring debut, as well as an excellent 15 minute draw between Antonio Cesaro and Richie Steamboat.

ROH was solid this week, featuring an always classic promo by the Briscoe Brothers, plus a solid Jay Lethal match. You know what I like about ROH? Their TV Champ (Lethal) has a good match on TV almost every week. Makes him a real TV Champ, y'know? You know what sucks, hold on.. You know what sucks about Impact? Their TV Champ doesn't make a whole lot of TV appearances. Their TV Champ shows up about once a month on TV, and then on PPV, out of the blue, loses the title to D-Von Dudley. Oh my brother, I testify that TNA is 90% imbecilic nonsense. (10% Bobby Roode, Madison Rayne, and Austin Aries.) But back to ROH, well, I guess I was done.

NXT, hey, there's a show that's generally pretty fun. NXT's latest program was all tag matches, which is cool in theory, but it wasn't "all that" as they say. A match was set up for this week that I'm looking forward to, though- a rematch between Kidd and McGillicutty.

With this week's NXT leaving something to be desired, Superstars came through with a superior tag match, featuring Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins against Kofi and R-Truth, who were dubbed the "Hip-Hop Express" by Scott Stanford, who should take Jerry Lawler's tired ass place as color commentator of Raw. He's funny and he knows how to put guys over, even though he does have an almost Phil Hartman-like annoying sound to his voice, I'm over it. Superstars opened with a Hunico-Justin Gabriel match, and that was good as well.

The wrestling matches on Raw were really something, because they were each so brief. I felt like it was on fast-forward for each of them. That being said, they were each pretty good for what they were, especially (like I even need to say it) the Daniel Bryan match. Other highlights included Cena's impossible-looking AA on Mark Henry, and the post-match shenanigans between Aksana and Vickie, and Teddy Long and Johnny L. I think my favorite non-DBD part of the whole show was when Teddy Long slapped John L, ran away, then danced on the entrance ramp. The heated altercation between Punk and Jericho that started the show was also good, Punk was terrific and Jericho was nasty. The goatee is a nice little detail to make him that much more villainous. I think their verbal sparring was a little more effective than the End Of An Era show-closer, but it doesn't really matter, since I'm expecting those 3 guys to steal the show at Mania itself.

Have you looked up Lord Tensai yet? I did, but I won't say anything about it. Not that there's anything to say, necessarily. I won't say a bloomin' word. My lips are sealed, I put them on a train and sent them to the Mongolian Desert, but that's just the kind of prince of a guy that I am. You're welcome.

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