April 17, 2012

Spare Change Newsletter: Controversial Words

Greetings all pi*bleep*ssers and pi*bleep*ssettes,

Since I covered Smackdown on last week's episode, I guess I'll kick things off to a bang with Superstars! Well, that show sucked this week. Bring on NXT! A good Tyson Kidd match, but the rest was mostly dorky backstage segments. Alright, maybe I won't be able to kick things off with a bang with those programs, but I do actually have a cent or two's worth of input about what TNA was up to this week.

First of all, Impact still sucks. I think it's actually worse than when Russo was head writer, but from what I understand, it doesn't really matter who's head writer because Bischoff, Hogan, and Dixie Carter reformat everything themselves. Not that there's any real reputable source for that information. At any rate, Austin Aries and Christopher Daniels had an awesome match on Impact, which made me glad I watched the horrible rest. I wasn't expecting much from Lockdown on Sunday, given that the TV has been so dumb, but the PPV was actually pretty fun. I was expecting the least from the match that opened the show- a 6 on 6 man Lethal Lockdown match involving Garrett and Eric Bischoff. Despite not caring about the outcome, it was really entertaining, and a good use of the Lethal Lockdown gimmick. I'd say that only half of the matches on the card used the steel cage effectively. It didn't come into play at all in the other half, and seemed like an obstacle for those matches. To cover those real quick- Devon retained his TV title against Robbie E (in the first TV title match since the last PPV, those schmucks), Eric Young and ODB retained their Knockouts tag championship against the Mexican America ladies, Gail Kim used a trick from her WWE days to retain her Knockouts championship by rolling up Velvet Sky for the win, and Joe and Magnus retained their tag titles clean over the returning Motor City Machine Guns. The steel cage did come into play when Crimson escaped to beat Matt Morgan, and when Jeff Hardy dropped a massive Swanton Bomb off the top to get the 3-count on Kurt Angle. But the cage was used best in the main event, the TNA world title match between Roode and Storm, and it was a great match. Everything about it pointed to James Storm finally beating Roode. It's been a 5 month build since Roode betrayed Storm to get the title in the first place, and this was Storm's big chance to get revenge. Lockdown was in Nashville, Storm's home town, with his wife and friends in attendance. He had a special entrance with a pickup truck, primed to come out of Lockdown the new "man". Also, every title had been retained to that point in the PPV, so it seemed likely that one would change hands. The only thing in Roode's favor (from the way I was looking at it) was that the 2 previous matches had babyfaces going over, so it would be typical booking to have a heel take the next one. Even so, I was pretty sure that Storm was going to win, which I was rooting against heavily. Storm's alright, but Roode is incredible. He's a fantastic wrestler, cuts a mean promo, and is a despicable heel. I really like Robert Roode, and I cared a lot about the outcome of this match. On the match itself- what made it great was that I never knew who was going to win until they won. Both guys were awesome. If you want to know the result, you can find out, but I'd feel bad giving it away.

Moving on to some pro wrestling that we both watch, I really liked Raw last night. It opened with a really cool wrestling match, and the rest felt like a comedy show. Alice and I kept cracking up, which isn't what I tune in for, but it was fun. If there hadn't been any good wrestling, I would have been disappointed, but the Punk-Henry match totally made me mark out when Punk dropped the elbow with the steel chair to get the 3-count. I was pretty much a happy camper going forward. Even the Jericho bit didn't get on my nerves as much, but that's thanks in part to Punk being properly retaliatory on the mic (better late than never).
I would love to see a diagram of how many times Otunga's gotten the Cobra. Back when he was tag champs with McGillicutty, they'd face Santino and [fill in the blank] all the time, and the matches would always end with Otunga getting the Cobra. I'll bet Otunga's gotten that move more than anyone else in the past year. I'll bet he's gotten it more times than everyone else put together! It's almost as synonymous with his character as the travel mug is. That being said, I never get tired of seeing it. I love seeing David Otunga, the stuck up lawyer and horrible wrestler, getting stunned out by that ridiculous move.
Next up: "controversial words" from Brock Lesnar. As far as I could tell the only controversial word was "piss" which was bleeped out for no reason, since you could still hear him say "pi" and "ss". This was a cool video package, and Cena's promo later in the show drove the points home. Brock Lesnar is an ass-kicker. Brock Lesnar will kick ass. John Cena will get his ass kicked. If there are any other asses around, Brock Lesnar will kick them. Does that register?
My second favorite part of the show (after Punk's flying chair drop) was the backstage segment with DBD, Kofi, and AJ. Bryan "shush"es AJ, and starts beef with Kofi for talking to her, then screams "YES" in his face until Kofi has to awkwardly walk away. Then they have a match while AJ watches on a TV from backstage, with an adoring look on her face, which to be fair is probably what I look like when I'm watching Daniel Bryan matches. Bryan renames the LaBell lock the Yes Lock, which I think is overkill, but then again, it's the overkill that got it over in the first place, so what do I know. Here's a theory I have about the Yes thing: Daniel Bryan has been over for a long time, but people haven't been able to support him until now. His entrance music doesn't get a big pop because it's not a catchy rock song, and since he never had a real rallying cry before, people who might have been huge fans of his wouldn't have had a way to show their support. The Yes chant took off so strongly because people have been fans of his for a while now, but haven't been able to show it until recently. Just a theory.
So, anyway, Brodus Clay, Great Khali, blah blah blah. It might not be great television for Khali to be in action, but England's got a huge Indian population, so it's cool that WWE is catering to its live audience like that. That's keeping it old school.
The main event was John Cena versus a mystery opponent, and I figured it would be either Miz or Alberto Del Rio. I can't tell you how happy I was when Lord Tensai came out. And let me say this real quick: the Lord Tensai and monk stooge characters are racist. They are portrayed offensively. Their look is straight out of old comics, with the yellow skinned, black robed caricatures who can't stand still without pressing their hands together as if in prayer. It's wildly outdated, and it's bad. So, now that I've said that, I like Lord Tensai. He's a very solid wrestler suffering from a gangrenous gimmick. I look forward to him having more matches like this one with Cena, against real opponents who will hopefully force him to upgrade his character a little bit. It wouldn't take much to fix it, really. I think it might be as simple as getting rid of the monk stooge. Then maybe switch the name up to Lord T-Train, and we'll be in business.

So that's it from me! Actually I just read your post, so now I can reply to that. I agree it's sad that Ziggler's on the losing side of a feud with Brodus Clay, but I wouldn't be too worried. He's just a go-to guy for getting other people over, and there's nothing wrong with that (as long as his opponents are worthy). Okey, so Brodus Clay may or may not be worthy, but Ziggler will be around. We know he can talk, and out-wrestle guys like Kofi and Morrison, so he's bound to get better spots.

I'm glad you agree that DBD is funny and awesome. I think you haven't mentioned him in a while and I wasn't sure if you were fully on board or not. I'm also glad you're as into Ryback as I am.

The unrelated screenshots I used feature Stan Hansen, David and Kevin Von Erich dropkicking Jumbo Tsuruda (with Genichiro Tenryu looking on), and Silly Willy Regal. He would knock me cold for calling him that.

Dashingly yours, Quarter Marshall

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