February 22, 2015

Poncho Man's WWE Fastlane Preview

I'm down to the wire and need to merge into the fastlane.....of blogging. What jackass focus group came up with Fastlane as the name of a wrestling event. Oh....the "Road To Wrestlemania." I get it. Whatever.

MizTV featuring Paul Heyman
The Miz is back to his regularly scheduled spot on the card...the preshow. Whatever...this will be a really great Paul Heyman promo and we will oooh and aaah at how good he is.

Sting and Triple H meet in the ring.
And they hug it out. Will Sting talk? Will he do his kinda awkward Ric Flair woo? Will he be the Joker again? (remember that? that was weird!) This will most likely be Sting pointing a baseball bat at the WrestleMania sign, and I'll probably mark out just a little.

Seth Rollins, Kane, and Big Show vs. Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, and The Ryback
I'm so used to watching 3 on 3 matches in every promotion I watch other than WWE that I'm kinda confused, BUT this match actually has a story that goes all the way back to Survivor Series. How about that!? And we still would prefer a Seth Rollins vs. Dolph Ziggler singles match.

Stardust vs. Goldust
I hope Dusty gets involved and they wrestle at WrestleMania with the love of Dusty Rhodes on the line.

Paige vs. Nikki Bella for the WWE Divas Championship
Maybe this will be good? Still confused as to why Brie is a heel. Stockholm Syndrome. Paige is still hot.

The Brass Ring Club vs. The Usos for the Tag Team Championship
I heard the Lucha Dragons made their main roster debut. Go Kalisto! Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are infinitely more entertaining than most tag teams because they both know how to get over in that awkward way that Vince McMahon hates. They do cool stuff like put cats on their tights, and do funny spins that no "badass" would do, and people like us (whether we are smarks or not) love it because we have senses of humor. Btw...Usos...still boring.

Dean Ambrose vs. Bad News Barrett for the Intercontinental Championship
I hope Dean Ambrose does an Ed McMahon laugh...and then he can draw a picture of a mermaid...and then he can water a garden....and then he polish some silver....then he can do a Will Ferrell imitation....and then he can give Byron Saxton a Valentine....and then he can build a chair from pieces of old chairs that he broke. I think I wrote tv for Dean Ambrose for the next few months. While BNB can report about all of this on BNZ. Give me a job WWE!!!!

John Cena vs. Rusev for the United States Championship
I like it when Lana wears red the best. White Second. Aquamaroon third.

Daniel Bryan vs. Roman Reigns #1 Contenders Match
Well, at least we've never seen this before. I'm on the edge of my seat to find out what happens. DBD is headlining a PPV....with somebody that's not as big of a star as him. This whole thing makes me all kinds of happy.

Well, I can't think of much else to talk about. Lucha Underground just had the debut of Alberto El Patron (I guess ROH did too...but Lucha Underground did it better....ROH made Jay Lethal look good thought...this makes no sense unless you saw it). For some reason I can see Alberto El Patron not being as bland as he was on WWE TV already (except when he almost killed Santa)....but maybe that's just me. I quit watching TNA a few weeks ago. They were on a roll towards the end of Spike, and then got boring again on Destination America. How about Samoa Joe? Does WWE let him get away because he's "too old" or does he show up in New Japan...like I predicted a few months ago...because I do things like that.

Okay that was more than "much else." Enjoy the show boys...wherever you are. 

1 comment:

  1. I've been looking forward to this post. I have no idea what WWE is doing. I mean I know the storylines, but I have no idea what kind of mood they're trying to set for this PPV. Maybe my fault for not watching Raw last week (I saw a sweet gif from the show of Fandango doing a tope into a kiss, so awesome... now where was I?). Oh yeah. I'm very distracted because I'm at work and there are these two 11 year-old girls that won't stop trying to get my attention by asking silly questions and telling me how bored they are.
    ...okay I just gave them some paper and pencils and now they're being quiet. I think I know where the Reigns/Bryan thing is going, and that's Roman Reigns with a halo airbrushed over his head at the end of Mania, and me shrugging and yawning on the couch. I'm looking forward to Reigns/Bryan anyway, DBD will make it as good as possible. I'm really looking forward to what the Rhodes' will do. I hope their match is a half-hour long and ends with a hug.
    I just received a half-dozen portraits of myself with extra emphasis on scribble-mustache.
    ROH rules, it's my favorite show. Last week the main event was Evan Bourne, ACH, and I think it was Cedric Alexander versus AJ Styles and the Young Bucks. So cool, I've been such a massive mark for AJ since he left TNA. Speaking of leaving TNA, it'll be so awesome to see Joe in PWG, probably ROH, possibly Japan somewhere. Wherever, it'll be super.
    Later dudes! And Poncho, thank you for your preview, it is much appreciated. Rusty, when will we get the pleasure of another Report?
    It is 3:16 pm. I hope it time-stamps that when I hit Enter.