Raw Roster Broken Down With Quips and Thoughts. Or "Avoiding the Top Knot and White Wail"

Ring name	Real name	Notes
Akam[3]	Sunny Dhinsa[4]	Like a real author...he is nowhere to be seen. He's the big one right?
Apollo Crews[5]	Sesugh Uhaa[6]	He smiles, is best friends with Tozawa, and does a mean backflip.
Baron Corbin[7]	Thomas Pestock[8]	Sucks
Big Show[9]	Paul Wight II[10]	Inactive; hip injury; Was kinda fun on Austin's podcast last week. Signed for another 3 years. Has abs.
Bo Dallas[11]	Taylor Rotunda[12]	This B Team is Social Rejects lite. I'm really beginning to not Bo-Lieve
Bobby Lashley[13]	Franklin Lashley	Made that Sami Zayn segment worse. Too bad because he was getting kinda interesting toward the end of his Impact run
Bobby Roode[14]	Robert Roode Jr.[15]	Why is he a babyface? He still acts like a heel. It's weird.
Braun Strowman[16]	Adam Scherr[17]	My prediction...they wait too long and he turns into Ryback.
Bray Wyatt[18]	Windham Rotunda[19]	WWE Raw Tag Team Champion; He's finally a babyface! Well, at least for awhile. I hope we get some more Deletion.
Brock Lesnar[20]	Brock Lesnar[21]	WWE Universal Champion; Too bad he's gonna beat Punk's record. I might be the only person still pumped to watch Brock matches. Yeah...it might be bad, but that is true of everyone. I still say the Brock/Goldberg feud was my favorite main roster feud of last year.
Chad Gable[22]	Charles Betts[23]	I'm Ready, Willing, And Gable for him to bring that back. This band is doing an instrumental version of Rocky Mountain Way and I hate it.
Curt Hawkins[24]	Brian Myers[25]	Is he out Horowitzing Barry? Always entertaining.
Curtis Axel[26]	Joseph Hennig[27]	He'll never not have a job. I'm glad Harry Smith left so he didn't become this.
Dash Wilder[28]	Daniel Wheeler[29]	He's the other one right?
Dean Ambrose[30]	Jonathan Good[31]	Inactive; triceps injury; Heard he got a haircut. He and Renee have a cute dog right?
Dolph Ziggler[32]	Nicholas Nemeth[33]	Huh, put him with Frax's buddy and he might get over again.
Drew McIntyre[34]	Andrew Galloway IV[35]	Speak of the devil. He's like Samoa Joe level fire right now. Hope they run with it.
Elias[36]	Jeffrey Sciullo	Problem is gonna be that he wrestles like a generic WWE product.
Fandango[37]	Curtis Hussey[38]	Been getting some good spots lately. I'm glad he got to the loveable always featured jobber spot.
Finn Bálor[39]	Fergal Devitt[40]	I don't want to see the Demon for awhile. Seems like he's getting over without it. It will be awesome when he brings it out foe a big Mania match.
Goldust[41]	Dustin Runnels[42]	Wish he was more than a stuttering movie obsessive...but still killing it.
Heath Slater[43]	Heath Miller[44]	Co-host of WWE Game Night; I heard a rumor that he has kids.
Jason Jordan[45]	Nathan Everhart[46]	Inactive, neck injury; I wonder how they came up with the name Jason Jordan. Nathan Everhart? Top knot just commented that I've been on my phone.
Jinder Mahal[47]	Yuvraj Dhesi[48]	Ha. People will cheer him over Roman.
Kane[49]	Glenn Jacobs[50]	Inactive; on hiatus to run for Mayor of Knox County, Tennessee; What's next? A conspiracy tv show or a cameo in the new Predator
Kevin Owens[51][52]	Kevin Steen	Can't think of anyrhing to say. He's great.
Konnor[53]	Ryan Parmeter[54]	He's no Viktor
Matt Hardy[55]	Matthew Hardy	WWE Raw Tag Team Champion, Only Matt Hardy and David Lynch can get a lawnmower over in their brilliant cinema.
Mike Kanellis[56]	Michael Bennett[57]	Remember that drug problem he had? Or having the least beloved new born of WWE wrestlers. Hope it didn't ruin Maria's ass.
Mojo Rawley[58]	Dean Muhtadi[59]	So not hype.
No Way Jose[60]	Levis Valenzuela Jr.[61]	It's like he was specifically created because Vince loved Rosebuds, but Adam Rose sucked.
Rezar[62]	Gzim Selmani[4]	Isn't Gzim a British Hardcore band? He's the big one right?
Rhyno[63]	Terrance Gerin[64]	I like that he likes crackers
Roman Reigns[65]	Leati Anoa'i[66]	Would you let him go down on you if he told you he loved you?
Sami Zayn[67][68]	Rami Sebei	I like that itssomehow cannon that evil Sami Zayn makes fun of trans people.
Scott Dawson[69]	David Harwood[70]	He's the one with the good facial hair.
Seth Rollins[71]	Colby Lopez[72]	WWE Intercontinental Champion; Has had a really good past couple months. I'm sure his dog couldn't be prouder.
Titus O'Neil[73]	Thaddeus Bullard Sr.[74]	I heard he's gonna be in a Marvel movie.
Tyler Breeze[75]	Mattias Clement[76]	It's cool that he just appeared at a NXT show. I miss his whole theme song.
Viktor[77]	Eric Thompson[78]	The greatest.
Zack Ryder[79]	Matthew Cardona[80] The last box doesnt exist, but The band literally just stopped And top knot gave me shit about Writing this. Fuck him.