SCN: Oh MY God, Tell Me that the Funkadactyls Did NOT Break Up

Greetings all Hip-toss-sters,

Quarter Marshall here, and I'm here to talk about Monday Night Raw, which I watched for the first time in 10 or 11 weeks.  Was I sucked back into the world of the WWE?  Will I tune back in for Battleground to see what happens?  Will I ignore the product until we see Raw next month?  Or, was I so horribly disgusted that I immediately got a refund on all of our tickets?  Read on, dear readers, and let's go on this journey of self-discovery together.  From the top, now:

Cena comes out.  Cheers and boos.  Oh yeah, that's familiar, except now he's got a big uncomfortable-looking necklace made out of leather and metal.  He announces what the main event for Battleground will be, and it is sounding very silly.  Roman Reigns interrupts him, and wow did he used to be so popular?  I think Roman Reigns got a lot more popular, and so did Ambrose judging by the big pop he got right before being ambushed by the Authority backstage.  Two things were odd about the beatdown-- 1. Why did Reigns and Cena not run back there to try to save him? 2. Why was Randy Orton not wearing a shirt or pants?  He was all oiled up, was he planning on wrastling with Dean Ambrose?  Dean Ambrose was wearing clothes, Seth Rollins was wearing clothes, and Kane was covered up, so what was the deal with Randy Orton not wearing any real clothes?  I wonder if Randy Orton got into a bar fight, if he would be like "Oh no you didn't just say that to my girl, you are really gonna get it mister.  Oh yeah, just as soon as I strip down to my underwear and oil myself up, you are gonna be real sorry you said that, mister."  I think a scene like that happened in the film adaptation of SNL's The Ladies Man.  I had that on VHS, I probably watched it at least 20 times.  Funny.

Sheamus is the US Champ.  Don't even remember who had that when I watched last.  Was it Ambrose?  Miz has a new gimmick, kinda.  The movie star money maker.  It's a really good gimmick, with his face being plastered on the 'tron through the whole match, but unfortunately the Miz still sucks terrible ass and Sheamus has nothing going for him and this match is a drag.  Already the commentary is very obnoxious.

Now there is a backstage segment and Randy Orton is wearing a shirt.  Ironically, it looks like the kind of shirt a person would wear while beating someone up.

There is an air of desperation in Michael Cole's voice throughout the night as he hypes the Network.  I get the sinking feeling that wrestling will never be cool again.

Ziggler and Fandango, now there's a good feud.  Two great workers with flamboyant personas, this is going to be fun.  Oh wait, this match has no story, no psychology.  The announcers are barely paying attention and don't call a single move.  Fandangos ex-girlfriends show up and dance and then rub their coochies up on Ziggler, which he doesn't think is gross or inappropriate.  I am disappointed by the match, but am left wanting more...

Sandow and Adam Rose segment is awful.  I still like Damian Sandow though, and I probably always will.  What in the fuck is going on with him, that he would be wearing a fast food uniform and want to eat the fast food, and then run away from a bitch like Adam Rose?

Among the rosebuds were Rosita and (I think) Caleb Konley.  All the way to the right, dressed like Uncle Sam.  Poncho, confirm/deny?

Usos jumped by the Wyatt family.  The Wyatt duo have a new finisher, which is like a two-man Razor's Edge, which is mostly cool because when the victim is up, he looks like he's being crucified.  I was excited to see the Usos still wearing the titles.  US!  O!

Lana and Rusev debate with Colter (Swagger nearby).  The Real Americans could never get over with me as babyfaces, even with the dastardly Russian (Bulgarian?) antagonistskis.  I try to hold up my ideal of a one-nation planet, in which xenophobia and nationalism have no place.  But that's just in my head.  I did think it was hilarious when Lana said "All of you are stupid.  America is stupid."   That could have been the entire segment.

ADR VS RVD was an okey match, I think.  I wasn't really paying attention.

Interesting that they showed a Best in the World package to promote the Network.  Last I checked, Punk was not being mentioned at all, like he was a taboo topic.

Nikki Bella has a handicap match against Alicia Fox and Cameron.  I still like Alicia Fox a lot.  This match made more sense than most of the others on the card.

RADICAL Sting promo for WWE2k15.  That looked really cool!  I was disappointed that Sting didn't actually appear, but not super disappointed.  Just the video was satisfying.

I can't believe there is another backstage segment with a shirted Randy Orton.  When is he going to take it off again?  The cotton must be soaking up all of his lustrous oil.  He's going to need to oil up again.

A bizarre segment with The Bizarre One himself, and Bizarre Junior.  Probably my favorite part of the entire program.  This was my first look at Stardust, and he's wicked.  I'm totally down.  If Raw was just those guys all the time, fighting off enemies and doing promos, I would want Raw to extend to 4 hours.

I like the whole vicious thing that Cesaro has going on.  Works for him.  Langston and Kingston are pals, and their friendship overcomes Cesaro's mean old ways.  Yay!

Jericho cuts a fun promo, then Wyatt does an awesome one, even though it doesn't really make sense.  Then some violence goes down, with the Wyatts on top.  At this point we get a good look at Bray Wyatt's stitched-up eyebrow, which brings me to an interesting point.  You may have been wondering, "Gee, I wonder what it was that made Marshall want to watch WWE again."  Well, the answer to that question is that I watched a video online, which was about a minute long, of a WWE house show in Madison Square Garden this past weekend.  In the video, a match between Bray Wyatt and John Cena is interrupted by Ric Flair getting into the ring and busting Bray open hardway with a set of legit brass knuckles.  As soon as I saw that, I knew.  I had to watch Raw and hope to glean some of the context for that happening.

And what do I get?  Paige and AJ are frenemies.  Lame.

The Bo Dallas/Great Khali match was great, though.  Probably my second favorite part of the show.  I think I was telling both you guys recently how I saw some potential in Bo Dallas, but wasn't really a fan.  I specifically remember telling Rusty that he was like a boy to me.  A big boy, and not yet a man.  Well, I'm not going to get into the semantics of that, because that's irrelevant.  The match was fun, and it made sense, and it didn't last for long enough for the commentary to get on my nerves.  Easily the match of the night.  My, how standards have fallen.

Ric Flair was funny and classic for a minute or two, which made for some good TV, and then right into the main event which was not good TV.  The match was stale, the finish made no sense... whatever.

My feelings after watching Raw were not strong.  It wasn't a total waste of time, there were parts I really liked, and most of the show held at least half of my attention.  I'm not planning on watching Battleground, or Raw next week, or the week after that.  I've been feeling good with the other stuff I've been watching, mostly because they strive to deliver good wrestling matches that make sense.  You'd think that somewhere in a 3 hour wrestling show there would be a good wrestling match.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again: my favorite part of pro wrestling is pro wrestling.  Stories being told in the ring.  And I''m not talking about podiums.

To be fair, Cesaro/Langston could have been that match, but the commentary throughout was so acerbic, so obnoxious, that a lot of the good stuff was completely lost.  It might have been a joy to watch, but it was certainly a chore to listen to.  And a stinky chore, at that.

When I saw each of you guys recently, you both brought up ECW to me, and iterated that those ECW posts I did were cool, and I got the sense that if I were to continue making those reports, they'd be well received.  Well Quarter Marshall aims to please by god, and wouldn't you know it The Marshall is 3-and-a-half months into 1994 and should have a quarterly report posted within the next few weeks.

And that'll do it for today.  Remember:  Keep your ears clean, your nose to the grindstone, your eyes to the sky, and your mouth on a ham sammich.  QM out.