Hello. Poncho Man coming to you from beautiful Eugene, Oregon with a special report on tonight's Extreme Rules PPV. Yay! Content!
The Miz vs. Cody Rhodes
Pre-Show. I'll watch this. Who cares?
Fandango vs. Chris Jericho
Should I care? You haven't really given me good reason to care? Think Fandango wins again? I don't know?
Randy Orton vs. Big Show- Extreme Rules Match
Man, they are so angry. Can't beat The Shield, so we get angrier. Now they're Extremely Angry.
Sheamus vs. Mark Henry - Strap Match
I hope Mark Henry knocks him out and drags him around the ring and the match is 2 minutes long. Because that's what he does.
Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins vs. Team Hell No - Tag Team Tornado Match
They've done nothing to tease Team Hell No breaking up and feuding. If they lose, it will be really stupid. Yes, The Shield is awesome and deserve the big push, but there is nothing that actually makes this a good story.
Dean Ambrose vs. Kofi Kingston - U.S. Title Match
Man, Kofi is so badass that he beat Cesaro (not on the PPV) who held the belt for like 300 days or something. Now, Kofi will lose his belt a few weeks later. Maybe he'll turn heel. Kofi with personality? Really?
Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger - I Quit Match
So milquetoast that it has no reason to exist. I have no real love for either of these guys, but at least Swagger's character has personality (only due to Zeb Colter). Can't wait for one of the managers to throw in the towel to cause controversy even though the audience doesn't give a shit.
John Cena vs. The Ryback - Last Man Standing
How will Super Cena win with a bad Achilles? Well, he'll run down to the ring. Pretend he's fine. Get beat up. Shuffle his knuckles. Pick the Ryback up. Adjust his attitude. Finally, he'll do something stupid like throw The Ryback into electrical equipment and he'll die from electrocution. Then The Ryback will be back tomorrow.
Triple H vs. Ba-Rock Les-Narrr - Old Fashioned Steel Cage Match
The only match on the entire card I really care about. Guess what though!!? It has no effect on the WWE. Neither of these guys are in title contention. They both won't wrestle til SummerSlam. Hopefully Brock wins so he doesn't look like a weenie.
Hopes: RVD. This is Extreme Rules. We need a Paul Heyman guy. They need something exciting to make this PPV matter. He also has reason to hate John Cena (If Cena Wins, We Riot) and Ryback (he stole his outfit). I know this won't happen...here's to hoping.
Miffs: No Cesaro. I guess he's too "boring."
Big E not being in the Del Rio/Swagger match. Big E's promos have already won me over. And he's a
tweener. He's a good guy on NXT (5! 5!) and a bad guy on the main roster.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter. No wonder this site is so dead lately. Look at what we're being force fed.
Pretty soon all we're going to talk about is Chikara.
I'm being a pessimist.